Fear

JC and I were talking last week sometime about dry spells in your writing. I think most people go through dry spells with most things they do. Times when you're just not feeling it. That may be cooking, gardening, running, dealing with your house or partner. Sometimes life takes enough out of you that it doesn't leave much extra energy for other things.

I won't say that I'm quite there yet, but so far...this has been a long school year, folks. Its all good and I do love these kids but I feel like every third thing out of my mouth is, "baby.... what is wrong with you???" And I'm thinking about another side gig for the Dr. part of my career. No doubt, its a long shot (I'm over qualified in some areas, but not quite as specialized as they might looking for), but because I'm a crackhead like that, I'm already thinking about what I might wear to an interview.

So oh yeah. JC. The whole bit of this particular convo was about just writing and not worrying about what to write about. Just write about something like your fears or something.

It got me thinking about my own fears. I expect that this could be some deep and philosophical post about fears of the unknown or being alone. Yeah. I don't sweat that so much. The unknown will be what it will be. I'll deal with it then. I can handle me. Being alone isn't so bad, and often its a choice so if you don't like it, do something about it. I don't worry about finances. I plan well. I am sincerely grateful for what I have. I have no reason to think the carpet is going to get yanked and if it does, I'll deal then. I'm not afraid of high crime neighborhoods since I've spent most of my life in the middle and on the edges of them. I'm not afraid of getting assaulted. I take as many steps as possible to avoid that. I carry mace. I walk with a buff pup who under no circumstances wants anyone too close to his mom. I don't go anywhere after dark alone. I lock my doors. And anyone who wants to steal me...is going to have to shoot my ass first, cuz I am scrappy and I ain't getting in a car with you because I'm also not afraid to have someone pull a gun on me.

I am, however, totally what you call cautious. Which in my mind is different than scared. No, I am not going out any farther in the ocean, I'm not a good swimmer. If I can touch, I am safe. No, I am not driving any faster than 35 miles an hour in this ice storm. I lived in Alaska for 19 years and I know for a friggin' fact, if I go any faster, I can spin out, like that asshole in the ditch just did. No. I am not going any closer to the edge of that cliff, I am clumsy and trip and that's a long way down. No. I am not answering my door if I don't know you are coming. I don't need to hear what a stranger has to say, sell, or show me. And while chances are slim its a home invasion thing, if it is, I am safe on this side of the door.

But yes. I will bust on an active gang member in my class. I will put his ass right in his place. I know the rules. Yes. I will pet that pretty little pit bull with the light eyes (is this what they call it on dogs?) that is wiggling its tail at me in Pet Smart. Regardless of breed, I've never been afraid of a dog unless its chewing on my leg. And I try to deal with them on their terms. Which is why I've likely never had one chew on my leg. I will snowboard and ski. I'll be safe. Bruised, but safe, knowing my limits. I will walk in the morning. I'll watch my back, stay by the houses instead of in the woods and take mace. And WD, who apparently, most strangers ARE afraid of.

I am however, really scared of frogs. Lizards. Snakes. Mice. Birds. Heights. The first five are sort of silly. Heights is no joke and nearly paralyzing. Don't travel with me if you have a problem with me taking the elevator instead of the escalator anywhere higher than one floor. I am also, as I learned this summer, afraid of sticking my foot in something that isn't sand while in the ocean. Well I'll be dammed.

I also scream like a b-movie hooker. Yeah. Nothing sucks the cool out of you like squealing like a stuck pig who's also being held up. I think, while I am regularly silly and seldom serious, I am typically fairly quiet. I mean, I'm not a wall flower or someone who won't talk (I have no tolerance for stupid, forced small talk, however). I just don't have a loud voice. Servers in restaurants never hear me. I had to work hard on a classroom voice and people regularly ask me to repeat myself. But let a frog jump out of my garden at me. I have no doubt my voice carries around a quarter mile radius.

It makes me think my fears are really pretty silly. Except my fear of heights. I mean, you can fall off of heights.... My god daughter (who is 5) asked me about the fear of birds..."you don't like Robins, Auntie Err?" Um. I just don't want them too close to me.

So.
What does this have to do with any-damn-thing?

I dunno. Probably very little. Except that my fears are just one more thing about me that doesn't make any damn sense.