changes

When I began this blog, I was starting a new chapter in my life. I kept the blog the way I was hoping to keep my life. Simple. A black and white text. Simple.
I still am working on my simple approach to life. I take pleasure in everyday and the simple fun that I create with those I love. I eat simply. I find my fun in simple things. Walks, runs, puppy snuggles.
Its a philosophy that is working well for me.
My winter has been complicated with my maternal grandmother's death. She was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and passed six weeks later. I've understood the anguish of seeing someone you love, loose someone they love. I have never seen my ma hurt like this. The situation is made markedly more complex with the lack of... um... speaking on my family's part for most of my life. Dysfunctional, addicted, and damaged as they are when I look at my 35 years on this planet, they have been on speaking terms with my immediate family for 13 of them (my first 8 years and five years during my twenties). My ma (with her amazing capacity for love and forgiveness) and her mother attempted to make amends and have what little bit of a relationship that they could muster in what days remained. My mom sat at her mother's bedside, patted her, brought special gifts of treats and imported favorite flowers to make the remaining time as pleasant as possible.
Her mother, however, did not choose to mend her relationship with me.
As my family gathered together in the last times (not lovingly... but together) I was not there. I suppose I could have gone without an invite or inquiry, but you have to know my family to understand that without either, I was not welcome. So my family very awkwardly did not mention my mom's only child in their terse catching up.
I felt horribly that I was not there to hold my mom's hand as she held her own mother's. I did what I could. Picked up gifts for her to take to her parents when she was too busy to go to the store. Cooked dinners and sent them to her and gave IV treatments to her dying cat (really... can the lady get a damn break?)
It was made beyond clear, that my mom has not been welcomed back with open arms. But she maintains a terse and weird relationship (perhaps more communication) with her now widowed father. Still there is no mention of his granddaughter who looks so much like his mother and is so much like him.
I still strive for simplicity in this less than simple situation. So I simply try to be the best me I can be everyday and accept this weirdness for what it is. Weird. And sad. And not something I can fix. So its not my problem.

One of my simple solutions has been found in new sports. Each week I take out whatever frustrations I might have pushed aside by kicking and punching and sweating in Krav Maga. Its simple. You hit. You get hit. You kick. You block. It leaves marks. It reminds me to be at peace and be powerful. They are part of the same circle.

Even more simple are my crossfit workouts (this has become a passion and an addiction). We do simple functional movements. Quickly. And many times. There is no shiny equipment. No one matches. Everyone swears. I love it.

As a result I've significantly changed my diet. Most of you who know me, know my frustration with the lack of results I've had with years and years of dedicated training and 'eating right.' I've recently begun eating a Paleolithic Diet. Its a huge shift from what I've done previously, but still very simple. I eat meat, a shit ton of veggies, fruit and nuts. No grains, no dairy, no sugar. That's it. I am already seeing results in crossfit that even my instructor is noticing. Last week I did my February 1x max deadlift...16 times. I do unmodified push ups. I feel really good. Its working for me. Perhaps not others, but me.

I like the simplicity in my training, and my eating. The focus on these parts of my life, the parts I can control help to create a simple way of dealing with the complicated things I cannot control. It really is quite simple. I control what I can. What I can't.... isn't my problem. Its so en grained in me, that finally I'm ready to find the color in my simplicity.