About Home Training....

I talk a lot about home training. I don't mean training for WD. Though he's had his share and like the kids in my class, I insist my pup know to act like he's been somewhere before.

Every time one of my classes goes somewhere as a group (fire drill, assembly, library trip) I threaten my children within an inch of their lives. This really means that I come up with ugly disciplinary act outside the detention box. No lie, earlier this week, I marched a kid to the janitor and had the kid help with the toilet scrubbing while his classmates were in the library. Our dress code states that for safety purposes (gun holding, not tripping over yourself), shirts must at all times be tucked into the uniforms. When a child leaves my room, I always instruct them to 'tuck that shirt in to your socks, son.... don't you leave here lookin' like you don't belong to nobody...' The implication, of course being that they belong to me if no one else.

Being that they are junior high aged babies, they have a propensity to suck their teeth (you need some dental floss honey, you got somethin' nasty in there??)blow out copious amounts of annoyed at me air from their mouths (you got a leak, baby...'bout to wind up flat like Stanley if you don't seal that up), they have cornered the market on rolling their eyes (don't you roll those little eyes at me, child...I'm not the one). When the kids are aggravated and toss something to someone I make them do it again until they can be nice about it. When they say something with an attitude, I make them say it again until they can say it right. If they stomp their little silly feet, they must walk across my room again, until they can walk like they've got some sense. Its my way of imparting the same home training I got on them. It often takes away time from curriculum, but I believe children need home training. I think it is the most important part of what I do.

On more than one occasion, I've had parents thank me for helping to raise their child when they are not there to do it. I've also had a few parents in my class annoyed with me and my strict rules, but that's another story.

This notion of home training is a part of who I am. It really does define me when you get right down to it. When I'm in a store, particularly in the area of town where I work, and I see some kids showing out, I often shake my head at the cashier and say, "no home training..." Nine times out of ten, a conversation ensues about how our mothers 'would have busted us in the ass by now.' I think, maybe, its a cultural thing.

The Boy was not raised with the same kind of home training. He had training, I guess, but it was vastly different. We had just started dating when I realized it. His sister walked in his parents house, and took off her shoes while we (her mom, dad, brother, friend and me) were all sitting there in the same room. She didn't so much as speak to anyone. I was floored, waiting for his mom to go drag her by the ear out to the living room make her apologize and then make her go outside and come in again like she had some sense.

Um. I don't know anything about having to do that myself....

Instead, his mom turned to me and told me not to take it personally, that her daughter was just like that.

Rude?

The longer I was in this relationship and the more it put me into other situations with people so unlike myself, I began to realize that some folks idea of home training or politeness was vastly different than my own. I became familiar with what I think of as the White Middle Class Interview. That is, when someone (who I guess can't just make small talk about random stuff OR who isn't comfortable just being together quietly) begins to drill you with questions about yourself. Where are you from, what do you do, are you married, what do your parents do.....

GAH!!!!

This is unbelievably rude in my book. The way I grew up, you just don't do this. Its prying, nosy, and shows that no one raised you right.

Except that I found out, that this is supposed to make some folks feel comfortable...not like they're on trial or at a job interview. The idea is that people like to talk about themselves and you're giving them an opportunity to do so. You're showing them that you're interested. You're supposed to return the favor, asking them the same series of questions. Except a) i was raised not to act like my name is Nosetta b)I don't much care unless I know you well enough that you want to share these details without my asking c) I was also raised that its rude to monopolize a conversation by talking about yourself and d)doesn't this make conversation less of a conversation and more of a verbal tennis match?

I've also noticed the tendency, for people to need to show you that they know what you're talking about (where is the shame in just saying, 'damn, i don't know nuthin 'bout that....'?). Sometimes, I think of it like a terrier with a tennis ball, bouncing up and down... "I know something! I know something!"


You can imagine, I'm sure, my frustration with these events and these people who I'm sure mean well and are perfectly nice folks, but have no home training. No doubt they have a very staunch idea about what it is to be polite...but that's way different than home training.


In my regular life, outside of brief work-type encounters, I don't run around with people with no home training. Life is short, people. I like people who get my flow, people with whom interactions are easy and comfortable, not people who lean on my last nerve and say things that make me think, "excuse me??? the fuck did you just say to me???"

This is problematic, because TB, does spend time with these folks. And sometimes, he expects me to come with him and sometimes, when he does, he forgets who he's married. Or maybe he expects me to forget who I am, just for a happy hour. The last time we went to happy hour with his work place friends, I had just defended my dissertation. TB had taken a personal day to go with me to my defense. Hanging out on campus, waiting for me to call asking either for a celebration or some solace. Because he took a personal day, some folks he worked with knew where he'd gone. But just because it had just happened didn't mean I want to make some grand announcement to people who were basically strangers. If you know me, you know that's about the last thing I'd want to do.

I'd no more sat down at the table where they all were, when some lady I never remember meeting said, "So I understand you just defended your dissertation?"
"Um. Yeah. I wasn't exactly planning on making an announcement, but yeah I sure did."

TB just gave me this freaked out look. Clearly, I should have just smiled a toothy smile and said "yes." Maybe while tilting my head to the side.

But. Not only did this woman put my business out there for everyone to hear, but she also made an announcement for me. I did have 2 fairly good friends there, who I'd been waiting to share my news with... in private. Thanks, lady, for taking that away from me. You want to tell me what Santa is bringing me this year, too?

At that time, a guy who I'm not close to (not even friends...he's just a co worker of TB) but who I know from my teacher prep program, spoke up, "So. You're a PhD now, huh?"

I nodded my head watching the other 6 people just look at me like I had 3 eyes, "yep, I guess I am."

He poured another drink and said, "huh."

Not, "that's awesome" or "good for you" or "kiss my ass." Notice, no one said anything positive. They just got their information and moved on. Indeed, it would have been worse if I'd gotten the interview. But my answer to the first women was intended to gently remind her that I didn't necessarily want to go into the ins and outs of a dissertation defense right there over nachos and beer. And the reason I didn't folks, is because to tout a big degree like that, would be bragging. Even if they asked me about it. And I have home training, people.


I don't think these people were being inherently rude. In fact, in some circles I understand this was an attempt to include me and be polite on their terms. However, it was bullshit under my framework. And by not saying, "excuse me???" I was showing my high level of home training. It was my right, to put a gentle stop to the conversation. If TB's co workers were uncomfortable, then they damn well should be.


TB is putting together another co-worker happy hour this week. He wants me to go. God love him, he always wants me to go. But he always ends up giving me this freaked out 'you're making these people uncomfortable' look. So I reminded him who it is that he married. And offered to stay home. Frankly, I've worked damn hard to get where I am and still stay true to myself. Everything I've done has been on my terms (though its made my road exponentially harder). I'm not going to pretend to be Suzie White Middle Class just to eat a half a quesedilla with TB's friends from work. I am what I am. Take me or leave me. No hard feelings either way. Shit, and I'm not that ghetto, people. Its not like I am one of the bitches from Flavor of Love or something.


He told me, "I just want you to be nice." I reminded him, that I am nice. In my own way. Never, when I hear his co workers talk about how his students 'can't talk right' or how they're 'tired of seeing boy's under ware' (old white women hate when boys have some sag in their swag), or crack on a decidedly urban hair cut, do I give them a full body 'WTF is wrong with you? you look like you just rolled the fuck out of bed and you're going to talk about someone else???' I let it go until they address me. Then I gently say something like, "um, what do you mean by that?" And no lie, there's an edge to it that says, "I can't believe you just said that out loud in front of other people." But I don't just rail on them.


I think TB would rather (for his own comfortableness) that I just smile and nod and let it go...understanding that they don't know any better. But I have home training and while that doesn't permit me to just go off on someone (no matter how they've offended me) it also doesn't allow that I don't stand up for my people. I have home training.

*Disclaimer*
I am just putting this out there, folks. It isn't an attempt to understand how the other person might be trying to make me feel welcomed, etc. I've spent about the last four year studying social interactions from a discourse analysis perspective between white middle class female teachers and working/survival class students of color. So I feel comfortable with my assessment of my own life experience.
:) I am not trying to bust on other people who may subscribe to this framework, just analyzing the world with a more marginalized one in order to share a different perspective.