about looking stupid....

I spend a great deal of my time looking stupid. I do stupid things. I mean I am a real doctor of philosophy, rather than a doctor like Dr. Dre or Dr. Pepper, but I am willing to bet that outside of work, there are more people in my life who do not know about that than those who do...but that's likely a whole 'nuther blog post. The point of that is, that most people are shocked when they find out that "yes I am dr. Err." Over the last couple of years I've postulated as to why jaws drop when I meet parents, mention a class I'm teaching to friends over wings, or someone refers to me as dr. or professor for the first time. My list is typically that they expect someone who is a dr./college professor to be a) a dude b) older c) lame d) all of the above.

I think that's a pretty good approximation of why I don't fit the stereotypical mold of a scholar, professional, etc. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that really the reason people don't think (believe) that I am anything beyond a dingbat is because I spend a lot of my time looking sort of stupid. I think that's a defining character trait of mine. I'm ok with the possibility of looking like a total tool.

Much of my tooliness revolves around my willingness/desire/obsession to try new things. Its not that I like to try new things for the sake of trying new things. Its more about that if I have a fear that if I don't try these new things I'll be one of those folks who says things like, "I've always wanted to do that."

This leads me to do a lot of things a lone. And let's face it. You look a bit dumber alone than with someone. And I've noticed that women, almost always go places in pairs. I am clearly horrible at being a woman.

My gym (and I hesitate to call it a gym...really its a box with minimal gear...no treadmills, no elliptical machines, just some weights, kettle bells, bars for pull ups and a trashcan for puking) is a prime example of this. In Krav Maga we regularly partner up. Duh, you can't very well practice getting out of a choke without someone choking you.... I regularly am left without a partner. At first I felt a little like the lame kid in gym class who always got picked last. And this was weird for me. Whatever problems I had with school (grades, dumb teachers, mouth that wouldn't quit...) getting picked for teams was never a problem. I was always first girl picked, right after varsity athletes (which means I was usually about third in the line up). But since I'm ok with looking stupid, I just hold up my hand and get a partner. But I started to watch the women in class before it begins. They regularly come in pairs. Partner in tow. So they won't be left alone and look stupid? Oh. I must have missed that girl memo.

I noticed a couple of years ago when I started working for Habitat for Humanity. All the women came with a buddy. I showed up with water, a lunch, and work boots. No partner to eat lunch with. It was ok. To be frank about it... the work is hard. Come lunch time, I just wanted to eat and take my stupid hard hat off. This seems to be a recurring theme with me. I went to school alone (I can't begin to tell you how many people I've known who've gone to grad school together). I ran my first races alone without thinking to bring even a cheering section. Its not that I don't have lovely people in my life who would do these things with me (though I don't know who would go to Krav and Crossfit with me....these are a bit crazy). Its just that I don't wait around for someone else to try them with me. Regularly, I try new things and then encourage my friends to try them. I am often their safety person.

Recently, I found a new adventure all by myself. I found a 'u-pick' farm. I wasn't sure what this was about. So I took off with a bottle of water and my directions. Or at least I thought I had my directions. They were on the kitchen counter doing me all kinds of good. It was ok, because the first time I got lost, I realized they were wrong anyway. I got myself back to civilization (people, farms are WAY in the country) and called TB to get the address so I could use the navigation in my phone. 20 minutes later, it seemed I was mere feet away. Except there was no farm and I was now so far out that I was on a dirt road. Alone. Holy crap, people. This city kid was starting question her sanity, listen for banjo music, and hope that her mouth wasn't too pretty. I was lost and WAY in the country. ALL BY MYSELF. Clearly, I didn't think this new adventure through before diving head first in.

About a quarter mile past where the farm should have been according to my navigation, I found it. A small (five or ten acres) farm with a hand painted sign. I got out wondering what I could expect. I knew they were open because I had the sense to call first and there were two cars in the gravel that constituted a small parking lot. What I'd found apprently was the farm version of the vanishing. I wandered all over looking for someone and no one was there. And no lie. I'm scared to death. I am WAY out there. If you're not from the city, maybe you don't get this. But if you are... you're nodding your head wondering what the hell I was thinking. Somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking, 'how lame are you? you don't know how to work the farm market and now you're wandering around hoping to find someone to tell you what to do."

So I opened the passenger seat of my car leaned in and pulled out my cell phone. Lucky for me, a mini van pulled in at about that time and a lady got out asking me if I needed help. Um, apparently I had that look about me. This nice lady gave me a basket and a pair of scissors and told me to get at it. I asked where I could harvest produce from and she told me any place I wanted. I felt mad suspect at first. Like I was stealing Peter Rabbit style. But half hour or so later, I had a basket full of tomatoes, lettuce and squash. The lady encouraged me to come back and I'll likely bring a friend and my mom (who both will be more willing to go because I can show them the ropes).

I'm about to call an organic/grassfed/free range/no cage farm here in a bit. Its part of not only my paleo lifestyle, but also my hope to eat local and sustainable food. I have no idea how this works. It will be another time when I don't even know what questions to ask. Another conversation that starts out with, "Hi. I'm going to apologize ahead of time, because I have no idea what I'm doing or where to start. Can you help me out a bit?"

I also want to learn how to knit. I'm sure it will have several moments of feeling a little like clueless tool. I just hope that doesn't involve getting lost in the country....