Tired Monkey Mind

There have been so many times I've clicked on my blog to read my blog roll and thought, 'dang...I should write something...". And then I don't. I just plain don't have the energy. But I've been up since 3-something, and at 5 I decided to just get up, and am back in bed with a sleeping little black dog (ok, people keep telling me that 50 some pounds isn't little, but compared to Mr. 70 pounds, it is...) and I really feel like I should write somethings.

I've worked way too hard this summer. I'm teaching an on-line class and its for a new certification program, I didn't write the syllabus, and the technology and registration system is all new to me and the university. So naturally, its been a huge cluster-you-know-what. Beyond that... pedagogically speaking, I don't believe in on-line classes. Everything I know about what teaching (or what I really consider the facilitation of education, I just don't want to sound like a sanctimonious tool) tells me that the learning here, isn't like the learning that goes on in a class, where I know you, I know what you're doing, what you're thinking, etc. A lot of it is my notions of language and the way work is done with language. Whatever. I still feel a bit like a tool because the bottom line is teaching these classes keep me current at the University (take THAT all of you people who told me: a) I couldn't teach at the academy and public school b) I couldn't teach where I went to school c) I couldn't continue to publish/research/be active without a university (I was just added to an editorial review board of a pretty major journal and ya know...that book was published a few months ago...reviews are great). And no lie... the money is good and we did just buy 33 acres.

I've also been giving Habitat 2 days a week. Ten hour days when you figure my drive time. Wears my shit out. But I've learned a lot. And ya know... I figure its the right thing to do. I know about substandard housing, government housing and how my grandmother was so proud of my parents buying a house that she carried the pic in her purse (she never owned a home). People keep asking me if I'm having fun. Um. No. I went to college so I wouldn't have to lift tresses up on a roof for all day. But I've been crazy blessed and I know it. I figure I'm supposed to do something with it and this seems reasonable.

I am so seriously behind in my life. With the exception of a really nice week at the beach with friends (which I don't mean to discount) I haven't seen anyone I love. I've gone to lunch with my mom 3 times. That's not enough, folks. I haven't gotten shit done around my house. School starts in 2 weeks or so and I feel more behind than when school was in session. I'm freaking out a little.

I've been running a bit (more than I typically do in summer), not nearly enough yoga and walking my crazy dogs daily. Hank is doing great with his doggie rehab from his attack. I am still totally f-ed up. I'd go get some help with that, but I think (and man, this sounds rude...) that I'm smart enough to know that I'm trying to change my mindset. I dunno if it would work anyway. Weird that I've seen enough people die that I have to count it on my fingers, seen a couple of 'em murdered (yeah, that's what I think that cop did to T) and interestingly enough, I've seen 3 (count 'em 3) people pulled out of car windows to get their ass beat.... and THIS is what screws with my head. Nuts, man.

I lost a buddy last week. Funny. I knew this was coming. You know how you just know these things. I dunno. Maybe because things like this pop off in the summer. Maybe because I spend a lot of time in environments where ya know... people die more (had 4 students loose a parent this year folks...you do the math). I'm not sure. But I knew a loss was coming. To be honest with you, given the climate in the neighborhood... I thought it was going to be a student. I'd braced myself. I checked work e-mail daily. This, however, hit me like a brick. Totally not ready for it. And it hurts way more than these things usually do. I'm typically pretty good at sucking it up and shaking it off. This one, boy... stings. And I've found I think I deal with things differently than a lot of my other friends. I'm not really one to 'talk about it.' Rather I stuff it down and try to stay busy (check) and not think about it for a while. So I don't have like a tribute, or anything... maybe someday. Not for a while.

This loss, however, cause a total spin out of my life. The busy schedule I was keeping stopped. My fridge ran low and now I find myself eating way too much processed food (cuz that's what TB can fix). I need to pull my shit together and I know it. This process has also been slowed down by the fence I've been building in my backyard. Little sweetie dog asleep in between TB and me (who's got his 'arms' around TB like they're spooning) is nuts and won't stay out of my flowers (which I need to weed really badly). So a fence. That I've had to build all by myself. Its almost built, but its about 70 feet long so it took some doing. I like to think of it as the Fence that Err Built. If LD can get through it... I'm pulling the garden out and setting up a white flag.

I'm ready for school to start. With 40 percent of our staff gone (and all my homies) its going to be a long year. But I'm ready to get at it. I love my kids. I miss them. I'll be working more (sort of) because I'll still have another university class, and it will be Christmas at WM's shop, but I should be more scheduled. I thrive on a schedule. It should be a bit easier, actually. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

You could tell me that, too. Because right now... my magic veggie bag is totally freaking me out....